This is so weird. This past couple of days or so, I've been feeling something I haven't had the chance to feel for a long, long, long time. It was scary, it was awkward, I was always so unsure of myself, I was up and down, and up and down. But it was definitely something I missed feeling. Because no matter how many times I felt awkward and weird and unsure, there were times when I was happy and enjoyed myself. I let myself have that chance. Well, whatever that was, it's done now. I don't know how I feel right now. Sometimes I'm fine, and I know I will be fine. But I do also think about the 'what if's' of this situation. No point in that, I know, but I do it anyway. A lot of the times I was scared, I was so scared. But I wanted to try. I didn't think I could just give up on something so quick. Sometimes things just don't work out, and the only thing you can do is learn from it, get what you can from it, and then move on. It's also not forbidden to go back on it and just remember. This all sounds so silly, and if I ever read this a year from now, I'll probably cry from laughing so hard, but this is how I'm feeling right now, and I wanna remember it. To some people this is probably so insignificant, so little, really, it was nothing. To me, it was a lot of firsts. Good firsts. Scary firsts. It brought a little bit of excitment into my life, and I was so happy for this change. Thinking back on it now, the number of times I thought to myself "this is too scary, I don't wanna do this, take it away, I can live the way I did before, all normal and boring. Safe", was a lot more than when I had good thoughts, but I tried to surpass those feelings of fear. For something better. I guess I'm just saying I wished it was something more than just what it was. I'm not sure if I'll ever have even just that again, as little as that was, it was pretty big in my boring, dull-as-watching-grass-grow life.