what's wrong with my heart? shake it off, let it go.

i wish i knew where my part is in this whole thing. i don't know how many times i have told myself to just let it go, and not think about it too much, because it's never going to turn into anything. it`s like nothing i tell myself stays in my brain. because i want to believe that maybe something could possibly happen, which is like the equivalent of yanking my heart out of my chest and putting it on a stake and burning it in a campfire. a little dramatic? yes. am i exaggerating? it honestly doesn't feel like i am. all the times i crash, and feel so disappointed and sad, mostly at myself, and i still wake up the next morning hoping for something, anything that tells me that i`m just a little bit special. maybe i deserve all this heartache i feel. it really is all my fault anyway, right?